I know–dreams about a relationship that has ended in a difficult way can be some of the worst dreams of them all. Just look at my face below!! That’s what it’s like!!
It’s never fun to be reminded of something you feel you have lost. But what if you can turn that narrative around? In the video below, I’ll show you how to transform your understanding of dreaming of exes into something that is empowering and transformative (as all dreams have the potential to be…) I hope you enjoy!
Have any questions? Comments? Concerns? Let me know in the space below! I love to hear your thoughts.
Do you dream of love? I know I do. In my dreams, love comes in so many forms. In the form of animals, or plants, or birds, of people in my life and people I have never before seen, of celebrities, of huge crowds of people, of children playing games together in a circle, of being told, “I just love you so much”, or “I just love taking care of you.” In my dreams I experience a purity of love that feels otherworldly, when I am singing to the birds who perch on my shoulder, or the way leaves seem to glimmer when I’m walking down a path in woods. I dream of loving so deeply, a love that transcends this binary world to create ease where there is tension, a love that nurtures a vision beyond the here and now that allows for courage, a love that meets every single person precisely where they are, and bathes them with what they need to flourish.
But more often than any of that, I dream of love’s absence. I dream of a wandering the halls, looking for my lover, feeling like we will never meet up. I dream of yearning, deeply, for someone, anyone, to love me, and feeling like it’s impossible. I dream again and again of my struggles to feel that love in my life, to live it as my truth, and to demonstrate my faith in it through my actions towards others. As someone who has historically jumped on any opportunity to critique myself and my every thought, feeling, and desire, my dreams at times have seemed to fill up this cup, demanding that I attend to them and their relentless reminders that I am not fully measuring up, that my life is not fully aligned with love.
This push and pull, from dreams of the extraordinarily beautiful to dreams of the mundane obstacles, is part of what makes them so fascinating—and confusing. Certainly, my dreams don’t want me to beat myself up, do they? Why do they keep reminding me of the ways I fail to love then? But recently, I have come to realize dreams are relentless precisely because they are so deeply in love with us. The experiences in our dreams are simply reflections of some of our deepest truth, our unique vibration of unconditional love—and a constant lesson on learning to embrace the wholeness of our humanity in love, no matter how dark or shameful it may seem.
Once you understand that dreams are expressions of unconditional love, the meaning of your dreams becomes more clear. What’s most difficult to comprehend, really, is the magnitude and degree of internal transformation that is often required to accept the truth of unconditional love. All of this may sound strange, especially if you are someone who often has scary or painful dreams. But dreams have taught me that our fear and our pain is not something to be ashamed of…but rather a direct road back to the love and wholeness that we crave.
What keeps us from experiencing love in our daily lives? Why does it feel so difficult to love ourselves? How can we cultivate lasting relationships that are built on a foundation of love? These are the questions that are at the root of so many individual struggles to find peace and a sense of wholeness in this world. And they are the precise questions that our dreams insist that we ask, and work hard to offer us answers.
When I began dreamwork in 2009, I had just graduated college. While my time in school had its ups and downs, overall I thought of myself as pretty well adjusted (spoiler alert: I wasn’t). But back then, I though my central problem was that I could not find a long-term committed partner.
It was all I wanted, really. I tried to make it work with a lot of different people but it never really clicked. I knew the problem was me. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t find a partner? How could I fix it so I could experience love? This was the motivation for me beginning my journey with dreams.
There is a part of me that thinks of my younger self as beyond naïve. It was sweet when I thought not having a partner was at the root of all of my problems. And it was a rude awakening when I finally did meet my now husband and realized, in fact, I still had many, many more years of work to do on myself before I would feel whole.
But in another light, I can feel the yearnings of my younger self and treasure them. Because without our desire to feel love in our lives, without all the myriad ways we dream of love manifesting in our experience, I don’t know if we would ever have the determination and courage it takes to truly grow, transform, or heal. It is our dream of what love can be that gives us the motivation and strength we need when it feels like love is nowhere to be found.
In this sense, I do think love, or perhaps more to the point, a yearning for it, is what makes the world go around. And it is precisely when we acknowledge this yearning that our dreams meet us, and show us the way back. When the flow of love feels blocked in your life, it can feel nothing is possible. And yet, if we can muster just the slightest bit of belief that love still lives, our dreams come to us, again and again, showing us precisely where to look for it.
And so I invite you on such a journey with your dreams. When we approach our dreams as consistent, intimate, and piercing experiences of unconditional love, a new world of felt experience opens up within us, allowing for a total transformation of our understanding of ourselves and our world. Allow me to be your guide in receiving your dreams in this way, illuminating the pathway back to the love you’ve always dreamed of. It’s a path for the courageous—only for those willing to be uncomfortable and confronted for the sake of healing, transformation, and growth. But I promise you, the joy of reclaiming the love that has always lived in your heart will make all the struggles of the path well worth it.
What’s the most powerful expression of love you’ve ever felt in a dream? Would you share it here? I would love it!
With all my love dreamers,
Want to learn more about my Dream of Love Coaching program?
Using Dreams to Become Emotionally Empowered and Aware
Most people assume that their emotional reactions are caused by external stimuli. For example, when someone cuts you off on the highway, we think, I feel angry because that guy cut me off. The external action causes a somatic sensation of anger, which the mind identifies and then reports back to you, in the form of your thoughts. But what if that isn’t how it works? In my work diving deeply into the feelings present in dreams, I have come to understand that this is not actually the most accurate model of how our emotions work. You can imagine my excitement then when a fellow dreamer sent me a link to a recent episode of the NPR podcast Invisibilia which reported on research that backs up an alternative theory quite similar to my own. They interviewed the psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett, which posited that instead of emotions arising as reactions to external stimuli, we have a constant somatic sense of like/dislike and arousal/non-arousal that is affected both by external stimuli and internal constructs.
How does the mind reach conclusions about how we feel given the multitude of external and internal inputs at any moment? It uses its memory bank. We reference past situations where similar sensations were felt with particular external inputs, and use them to make guesses about what we are feeling in the given moment and why. So, the mind perceives both that someone has cut you off and a strong bodily arousal, and then the mind remembers that the last time this bodily arousal happened in the car, someone cut you off, so then you conclude—I am angry because someone cut me off.
To reach clarity about our feelings, and ultimately who we truly are, we have to get to know that internal world, understand its beauty, its truth, its pitfalls and its blind spots.
It’s a fine enough system, but it is never 100% accurate. In fact, I’ve found through working with dreamers that the more certain you are that a feeling is being directly caused by something external, the more likely it is that you are missing an important aspect of your internal experience. Certainly, the external world has a role to play in triggering our emotions but it is always in a conversation with our internal world—our individual set of memories, traumas, relationships, values, and identities. To reach clarity about our feelings, and ultimately who we truly are, we have to get to know that internal world, understand its beauty, its truth, its pitfalls and its blind spots. Then, we can learn to make better guesses about what we are feeling in a given moment and why. We can even learn to transform the nature of our guesses altogether, and create a new story about our experience that is liberating and transformative.
To me, this is where dreams come in. Inside of our dreams, the barrage of external information we are subjected to every time we open our eyes is gone, and we are left only inside of our own internal landscape. Sometimes, people judge the content of their dreams to be both boring and uncomfortable. Boring; because their dreams depict them situations that they experience in real-life all the time, and uncomfortable because they experience the same stress and anxiety they feel in those real-life situations, only magnified.
But I would argue that it is precisely in this quieting of external inputs and magnification of interior sensation that dreams offer us their most unique and delicious medicine. Since there are no external inputs in dreams, we can understand all of our feelings and experiences in a dream as originating within us on some level. Because of this, dreams highlight situations in our life when we are overly focused on the external causes of our emotions, or where we are lost in projections.
For instance, in the case of the individual who became angry when they were cut off in traffic, they might have a dream of a very similar experience, which would be easy to write off—oh, I dreamt of being cut off because I was cut off in real life. But what if that person actually has a form of road rage? It would be easy enough for them to deny this, because in their waking life perception, every time they react angrily in the car, it is because of something wrong someone else did. But if they are dreaming about this anger, especially consistently, it suggests that there is an internal origin of this felt experience that the dreamer needs to pay attention to. If you have dreams like this, I would invite you to concentrate on the feeling of the dream as you experience it in your body, not the external details.
Becoming dutiful and consistent observers of our ingrained internal reactions and stories about our somatic emotional experience is vital to living in a more authentic and integral way.
The more you concentrate on the internal experience of the feeling, the more likely you are to recognize it in your waking life. You may even find that you are feeling some level of anger as soon as you get into the car—way before anyone does anything that might trigger a strong reaction in you. When you accept that some level of your anger originates inside of you, you can learn how to process and contain that experience in healthy, empowering ways.
There are other ways dreams can illuminate ways we may be projecting or externalizing the source of our feelings. One rule of thumb I like to use is whenever you “just know” something in a dream without there being much external evidence, there is a good chance you are experiencing a projection. For example, if an unarmed man is simply walking towards you in a dream and you “just know” that he is going to rape or murder you. Reflecting on the dream, you might simply conclude, I felt afraid because this man was going to harm me. You might even think this dream suggests a man will harm you soon. But actually the dream is trying to teach you about the projection you may be carrying in waking life. Remember, there are no external inputs in the dream, there are only aspects of your own internal landscape—in dream land, it all originates from you. So without any external evidence that he was going to harm you, how did you “just know” harm was approaching? If you are having dreams like this, the dream is suggesting to you fearing men is an internal filter your mind is using to explain your emotional experience. When we meditate on the felt experience of the dream internally, we can then become more present and aware of when the feeling is originating inside of us and when it is coming from outside of us.
This is not to say that feeling this fear is illegitimate, invalidate, or not a useful emotional response in certain situations. Given the statistics of violence and sexual violence at the hands of men, this projection is understandable. It is simply to suggest that becoming dutiful and consistent observers of our ingrained internal reactions and stories about our somatic emotional experience is vital to living in a more authentic and integral way. After all, if we simply assume external factors are the cause of what we feel and then make assumptions and take actions based on those assumptions we discount the vast, intricate, and ultimately beautiful array of internal factors that exist inside of each of us. Do we need any more evidence than the ongoing and despicable tragedy of police violence against black people of how harmful it can be when humans engage in this behavior?
Understanding the degree to which our emotions originate inside of us and getting to know our subtle, emotional body is one of the most practical and transformative things you can do with your dreams. And I couldn’t be more excited that psychological research is catching up with this understanding. If you are ready to dive deep into your internal world and learn what it means to really love yourself, consider joining my new program, Dreams of Love. In this immersive experience, your dreams will reveal your interior emotional landscape with a depth, beauty, and grace that is as intricate as it is universal. I honor all of the dreamers out there that have the courage to walk alongside their dreams with devotion.
Something that brings me a lot of joy is how expanded the conversation has become around the idea of the feminine, or divine, or archetypal feminine, and the masculine, or divine, or archetypal masculine. About four years back an incredible woman that I’ve now had the pleasure to meet made this movie, Ensoulment, investigating the feminine in Western culture, and I remember thinking that it felt like a pretty new concept for people.
Today I feel like I see people writing about it everyday, from all kinds of perspectives, and I feel revitalized by that. At the same time, I recognize that some people don’t resonate with the concept of there being any particularity to “the feminine” or “the masculine”, or who have felt oppressed by these categories one way or another. I would like to invite all who feel that way to engage with me, I would love to learn about the way this writing hits you. I understand ‘the feminine’ and ‘the masculine’ as two essential and vital energies I recognize inside of my human experience, i.e. the sense of having a “feminine side” and a “masculine side”, or of feeling “like a girl” or “like a boy” interchangeably. Not to say that everyone has this experience or should, but simply that I do.
When I feel into or embody my femininity or my masculinity, I have a sense of what that feels like inside of myself, it’s a distinction that’s has been shaped inside of me through cultural/societal messaging, dreams, and internal contemplation. I feel it in a variety of situations, but probably most often when I exert my power.
Through this, I’ve come to understand the essence of my masculine power as: exerting my power to create the world as I desire it to be. And the essence of my feminine power as: exerting my power to fully embrace the world precisely as it already is. Where masculine power asserts, feminine power surrenders.
I can understand if it feels oppressive to name surrendering as the power women have. But to me, this is because in today’s patriarchal society, where individuals labeled/read as men disproportionately have access to power, masculine power is often simply a synonym for power itself, and we’ve been trained to completely disregard how empowering it is to surrender. I think we have all believed the lie for too long that to surrender, which requires trust, vulnerability, and devotion is to be weak and powerless, but that is only true if you linger there for too long. For me, the path is not to favor either side, but to seek balance between both. This is how I learn to exert my power with integrity.
To me, the feminine power of surrender is what allows the power of vulnerability, for the power of allowing contradiction, acceptance, diversity, and humility, the power of not knowing, of letting go what you thought you knew. After we have taken action to exert our masculine power to create and assert, at some point or another the time will come for you to let that truth go, and the more people that are directly affected by your individual decisions, i.e. the more power/resources that you have access to, the more often and intentionally you should open again to the possibility that you actually do not know anything for sure, and trust the power you have to surrender to and fully embrace what is.
After all, right on the other side of that surrender is the recognition that at the end of the day that while you fundamentally know nothing, there’s one infinite thing that you can know very very well…better than anyone else on this planet. And it is how you feel, who you are, and what your truth is right here and right now. And it is precious. And it is powerful, and its truth is needed, and when you feel it, and you allow that masculine energy to embody it, and put it into the action of creation, the whole dance begins again.
So I pray that we can all muster that bright shining sun fueled courage of conviction to stand on the top of the hill and declare—this is me! Behold! I am what I am! And then allow the natural course to follow, to feel the beautiful aching melancholy tug of the moon, illuminating our stars, asking us to rest, to relax, to connect, to simply be, surrendering completely into a place where pain no longer feels so different from love, where shame has no hold, and where we are absolved from all of our transgressions. Haven’t we all experienced the divinely transformative power of that embrace?
How do you understand the relationship between your masculine and feminine energies? Does this distinction resonate with you at all? Have you had any recent dreams where you bore witness to various embodiments of these archetypes? I would love to you engage with you about this! Feel free to share any dreams you may think are relevant to this to KeziaVida.K@gmail.com, I’d love to utilize dreams as a tool for illustrating this topic.